This story is for all you people who have recently made a contribution to Gordon's "Safety Camera" fund!

Once upon a time…………….

in the not too far distant past, on the A1 trunk road between Alnwick and Berwick-upon-Tweed (the only town still at war with the Russians, but that’s another story)….for those of you who are not familiar with this stretch of road, it runs alongside the North Sea – long straight stretches of road with stunning views over the beaches and sand dunes, past Lindisfarne and Dunstanborough Castle – a busy road joining London and Edinburgh, but only single carriageway here and therefore the most dangerous stretch of road in the country! You may be forgiven from wondering why the powers that be do not spend some of the vast amounts of road taxes they extort from us motorists on making the road between the two Capitols a motorway and safer for all, but then again, money is tight and it’s apparently costing £258 billion (yes, BILLION!) to fund MP’s and other civil servants exceedingly generous final salary pension schemes, (hey - the guys deserve it, and the rest of us taxpayers will only have to work for another 10 years to pay for it, so no big deal), and, anyway, Northumberland is a long way from London! Between Berwick and Edinburgh, the Revenue Cameras cluster as thickly as Political Party pre-election promises, but, south of the Border, on the Northumberland stretch, they are strangely rare. Hence, on this beautiful sunny day, with visibility as far as the eye could see, two of Northumberland Police’s finest were tucked away behind the bushes at the end of one of the long straight stretches, the aging Volvo estate with the fluorescent striping parked just out of sight of the road, whilst the boys pointed their hand held radar gun towards Scotland. Easy pickings here: to get past the trucks trundling along at 45-50, you have to take advantage of the gaps in the traffic and scoot past as fast as you can; the choice then is exceeding the 60 limit, or being taken out by the oncoming Artic, the driver admiring the scenery, chatting on his CB and as oblivious to your presence as he is to the huge queue of vehicles behind him. As the saying goes, like taking candy from a baby! Anyway, the lads have managed to finance themselves a brand new Range Rover patrol car in the last 30 minutes (“we need the space for the cones”) when, suddenly, there is a chorus of beeps and flashes from the radar gun. The lads look at the display and then at one another in puzzlement. Could they really get away with charging the driver of the ancient smoking diesel Ford Sierra with travelling at 400 miles per hour in a 60 mph zone? Before they have even mentally composed their statements, the gun gives a forlorn squeak, and expires in a puff of acrid smoke. Sighs and sniffs as the evidence disappears and the prospect looms of a long drive back to the Nick, and a bollocking for breaking the goose that lays the golden eggs (literary illusion here, but please, no cries of “behind you”) The end of the story, you would think, but, no – the plot thickens! Some (considerable) time later, the Chief Plod at Northumberland police gets on the phone to the head Biggles at RAF Boulmer (a military airfield just beside this stretch of road) with a view to asking for a contribution to their new radar gun. (despite the stereotype of thick policemen, they generally get there in the end, even though, sometimes, it takes longer than your lifetime, and involves lots of innocent people behind bars meantime)  Anyway, after the pleasantries are over (Biggles offering suggestions as to final resting place for said gun) a story emerges. It transpires that on the date in question, a Dutch Air Force Tornado pilot was tooling up and down the live firing range just off the Northumberland coast, generally having fun, shooting up waves, sand dunes, seagulls, and any invading dolphins, when his aircraft was “illuminated” by this strange radar system. (are you there yet?)  The ECM pod on the aircraft, being in full automatic mode, promptly sent a high power directional microwave pulse back down the beam, with predictable results!

The best bit was, that since it was a live firing exercise, the aircraft had real live missiles under the wings and the ECM was on an automatic countdown to release one to suppress the SAM site! The pilot, not being aware of any hostiles on the Northumberland coast, cancelled the launch just in time. (or not, depending on your own personal preference!)  Think yourself lucky, says Biggles. If it had been an American F14 on the range, there would have been smoking craters all the way from Newcastle to Edinburgh.

I am reliably informed that at least some of this story is true. Make your own assessment!

Anyway, there is a little military surplus shop on Steep Hill in Lincoln, which sells all sorts of gear. If you feel the need for an ECM pod in your car, give me a ring. You need to install a 5MW generator and strengthen the suspension, but the results are soooooo rewarding!